Monday

Love & Reality Go Hand In Hand




A Clear & Open Mind Is Required

I think we all have feelings on how we view marriage and what we expect from it. Men and women view things differently and on this subject we both need to join hands and figure out jointly what are thoughts are of marriage and what we hope will happen when we really make the big step forward and attempt to beat the odds against us and having a happy life together.

Let Your Feelings Guide Your Steps

Maybe we would better serve our chances of success (whatever that is?) by limiting our expectations and just loving each other and let that be the driving force of our relationship together. After all were probably like most people and don’t really know what were about and that certainly doesn’t give us much insight in determining what are joining together might produce? And thus by not over planning are adventure, we won't limit our spontaneity.

Watch Others & Observe There Success

If people are looking for success then marriage is a bad gamble at best; so lets give other thoughts a try and see how that works out. Maybe a slower start will produce better results. I think joining hands would be better accomplished with less fan fair and total reality. Then that gives you a base by which to grow from. Of course it is true that starting at the front of the line does make things work faster, but is faster what you’re looking for? Maybe starting out in the back of the line gives us more perspective, knowledge and appreciation, rather then being first and ending up last and then feeling sorry for ourselves.

So Our Your Feelings Feeling Right?

Love is not a particular thing or place it is just a way of feeling. And how important are your feelings to you? Hopefully you have learned the value of life and your cup runith over with love.

First Find Love and Then Act On It

Marriage is a word like diet and both should be abolished from our language and from the ashes should grow a whole new idea. And that idea would be that we will have no idea until we start moving through the line and find out what coupling is all about and learning for ourselves the pros and cons of being together. And then if love and we are still holding hands when we reach the front of the line; then and only then will our coupleness find a place for us. That’s my feeling and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by tanjila

Wednesday

Both Must Pull the Wagon




Doing Clothes is a No Gender Thing


People that find harmony in their togetherness have learned the rules of engagement and do whatever is necessary to make things work for them. One such area is dealing with their own clothes and pitching in and helping with washing and the drying stuff.

Clean Clothes Promote a Good Marriage

I recently had the opportunity to enjoy the generosity of a salesperson who sold us our last car. He’s good at selling cars but has no desire or skills to deal with the clothes hamper stuff. The gathering was primarily focused in the garage and the adjacent back yard. But two kegs of beer drove all of us into the house for the releasing same. They have two full baths upstairs and one half bath downstairs. When I went in for run one I was directed up stairs since the lower bath was temporarily out of order. I was amazed to see so many piles of clothes everywhere. To use the one bath required climbing over two piles to relieve yourself and they didn’t seem to mind having us see their numerous pyramids There were even piles of clothes on the washer and dryer and each seemed to be loaded and you could observe this because they were front door loaded machines and both doors were open. I visualized them forging through the piles to find things to wear, rather then looking in draws and closets. I’m also puzzled on how he’s managed to dress so well, maybe he farms out most of his business wearing stuff.

It Wasn't Pretty

My wife also joined the group going to the bathroom and was taken back by what she observed. This couple have no children and I shutter to think what it would be like if they did. Now I don’t presume to criticize other people for the way they live; but this can’t be a positive thing for their relationship together.

A Problem Waiting to Happen

As the day progressed and the keg levels went down the conversations developed insight not previously brought to our attention. One person tripped over a pyramid and almost forced themselves down the stars headfirst. Only the hand railing which the party partly removed while falling saved his body from bouncing down the stairs. The party giving salesperson observed the incident and loudly admonished his wife for not taking care of the piles of clothes. His wife retaliated by implying it was his turn to do the wash. Either way, it, wasn’t a pretty sight to behold.

So Share the Load

On the surface this couple appear to be ok, but their care for their environment is making me doubt my first impression. They seem like nice people, but don’t fill me with confidence that there working in the right direction. There both doing great in there separate work related jobs, but don’t seem to be jelling well together. Being successful together requires working together and that’s not working here. That’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by j.simpson

Sunday

A Good Marriage Needs Alone Time



Sometimes We Just Need to Hide

What method couples use to support their family is up to them. But know matter what your arrangement is, both parties to this children raising activity need time away from their children, to help keep their wellness going and there connection with the real world. Having the total responsibility of raising the children and not finding time for your own personal growth is definitely harmful thing for most people. I have known Mothers who won’t have it any other way and they love it, and all there growth needs are being fulfilled doing the child-rearing thing. I in my humble opinion and through my observations have concluded that such individuals are rare and shouldn’t be the pattern for most Mothers. Were all humans and as such need activities that help to promote are personal growth and makes us better partners and parents because of it.

The Doer Needs the Most Down Time

All too often one and that’s generally the Mother, is given all the burden of raising the children and only receives minor help from their spouse. Yes this process works well for the one doing less of the child stuff, but it devastating for the spouse carrying most of the load. And even after an unfortunate divorce one spouse generally carries most of the child rearing responsibilities and the other parent is the fun person and that confuses the children because they wonder why the parent they live with is so controlling and the other is always a fun person, when there with them. That’s a know brainier, one is training the children for life and the other is just having fun with them and leaves the instruction rearing to the other x person. Sure it’s easy to be the good person, when you’re not in charge.

Find Time or Lose Yourself

If your raising your children all the time and not getting help from your spouse, your probable in real jeopardy of loosing your sense of continuity and may required a serious talk to yourself in the mirror. You and your children need help and I include the children because stressful parents aren’t good role models and need personal help to keep their sanity in check.

Don't Forget Who You Are

Ignoring the truth of what I am telling you will only make the situation you’re in more difficult and harder to handle in the future. Your children are your greatest responsibility and that requires that you use your resources wisely and always realize time alone for yourself is required and shouldn’t be the thing you do, only if you can find time for it. Make time and be selfish because if you don’t the price you’ll pay will be more then you and your children can handle. That’s my feeling and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by foundphotoslj

Friday

Marriage Requirers Laughter




A Good Sense of Humor Will Help

Marriage is a serious matter and because of that sometimes the humor of life takes a back seat when problems arrive. And we as a couple get so into the situation we loose are sense of humor at the very point when we should use it; to defuse the issue and keep things in proper perspective. I mean think of all the times when life was dealing you a bad hand and then someone broke the ice by injecting a thought or gesture that totally turned everyone into a uncontrolled frenzy of laughing, like the part of a court gesture? I’m sure you do and guess what, it was the right thing and it lightened the load that everyone was feeling at that moment. Sometimes life nags us with numerous problems and they all seem to be out of our reach of solving. But somehow laughter gives us new hope and ideas for solving our problems. Now sometimes the laughter changes nothing, but does for a time make you laugh and don’t forget laughing is contagious and that makes the medicine of laughter last longer.

He Laughed and So Can You

I remember reading a story of a person who was facing the hangman and asked if he had any last words to say. He said tell my wife I’m going to be late for dinner and supposedly there was a bit of silence and then the crowd roared with laughter. And he according to eyewitnesses smiled just before the mask covered his face. It didn’t stop his fate, but it probably did give him a moment of relief and that’s the true value of laughter.

A Laugh is Seldom Wrong

More then likely your concerns won’t be this serious and laughter will really help your situation. And even if it doesn’t last, it will give you more time to ponder your next more, without feeling the pressure of a rope around your neck.

Just Be Yourself

Most things in life are not a matter of life or death and that observation should always be pointed out so that couples will realize that many options are almost always available even though they may not be the chose you would choose under less difficult conditions. And here’s the most important thought to ponder, at least you still have yourselves and after all isn’t that, what really matters? That’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by fatal Cleopatra

Tuesday

A Lie Might Ruin Your Marriage




An Untruth Should Be Avoided at All Cost

A Lie is one simple statement of falsehood, which if left alone would only distort that one moment in time and then die like all things do. But a lie is not like all things and grows with the usage of time. When it is first spoken it is only the power of one, but soon the falsehood rears its ugly head like the lid of Dracula coffins and to keep the secret requires more nails in the lid or otherwise it will open and will find the breath of freedom and you the liar will have know place to hide. The first lie would have been easy to fix and a modest I’m sorry and why and you would be off the hook. But now you have reinforced the lie and that shows a conscious intention to keep it a secret at all costs. And you the liar have now created a person who will forever doubt the answers from your lips.

When You Lie Recant Immediately

So if you lie to the one you love, recant your words and throw yourself on the mercy of the court, which in this case is your spouse. Owning up to a falsehood right away is only one step away from telling the truth, your mate will be pleased with your correction and that will reinforce the faith they have in you.

A Falsehood Will Never Serve Its Master

My Mother God love her soul, who I miss everyday, allowed herself and only herself the option of using the white lie. Which was only used for good and never according to my Mother was it used for evil. Of course in my humble opinion one persons love is another persons evil. But Mother used it sparingly and did practice the skill of good thinking when using it. Even today I cannot fault her, she truly believed in the message she spread and coming from her, people felt they were given the truth and they felt better.

A Lie May Cause You To Sleep Alone

But the rest of us would be better served to practice the art of telling the truth, all the time. Now that may not make you the most popular person all the time, but it will keep you out of the dog house and you know how cold it is, in there. That’s my feeling and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by ktylerconk

Saturday

Are Your Parents Stepping Over the Line?




Your Vows Terminate Their Parenting


When you get married your spouse is the person you should have council with, not your parents. Yes you have spent a great deal of time having to pay attention and listening to your parents. But when you get married that connection should sever and the person who you should solve your problems with, is your spouse. Yes you are more familiar with your parents and yes they will listen to you and even re connect the umbilical cord if you request it; but your spouse will trip over the cord and that won't promote the wellness you want in your marriage.

Parents Will Always Parent if You Let Them

If your parents can fulfill your dreams and stop being the controllers in your life, then maybe, you should stay with them rather then getting married. But they will always be your parents and parents do what they do and that’s a growing up thing, which only works until your brain kicks in and you start thinking for yourself.

Your Parents Raised You, But Now Your Married

Parents serve a purpose and that is to prepare you for adulthood and then like a bird you have to fly on your own or perish without trying. I remember a skit on tv where these naturalists made a movie watching a family of eagles have children and the process of getting the newbie’s to grow up and leave the nest. The Eagle parents are a tat more pushy about getting the newborns to leave the nest and take care of themselves. They the parents created their nest on the side of a cliff and the only way to leave the nest was jumping out and flying or as the movie makers found out, they the newbie’s were left with no other choice. Apparently the parents had three baby eagles one died during the eating process because he was too weak and couldn’t fight for his share of the food. In time one of the two remaining kids jumped off and flew for a while and then tried to return to the home of his birth, the parents refused to allow him to return home and he eventually got the point and flew away. The remaining kid refused to fly so the parents stopped bringing food home in the hope of forcing the reluctant baby to fly, this didn’t work so the parents slowly disconnected the nest and finally with no more options the baby fell off and struggled for a moment but then took flight.

Your Now in Charge

Here’s the moral of the story parents have a huge responsibility to raise their children but when the time comes, they must force the children to fly on their own or crash and tumble down the hill; either way parents must stop being parents and allow their children to become who they are. That’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by Rubyran

Sunday

Marriage Requires Listening




Learn About Your Life Partner

When we share how we feel about life, that’s how your partner learns about what's important to you. And that information is helpful in doing things that work for both of you. Maybe the one you love has a total dislike for onions and knowing this gives you the option of changing some behavior in your life that will accommodate them. This doesn’t mean you should give up onions but it might serve your purpose better to consider eating onions at a time when your spouse isn’t with you and then leave time for the effects to wear off. And if they know this is what you do, this will probably give your spouse the reinforced feeling how much you care about them and are willing to change something about yourself because you love them. Sometimes these little changes reap big rewards. Kind of like, winning the lottery.

Give Your Best or Silence Will Hurt You

I think men are making small advances in understanding how important it is to understand how their mate feels and how important it is to let them know you understand how their feeling by repeating those feelings back to them. Of course there is danger here and realizing it, is important. Once you make your spouse realize that you know how they feel you have opened Pandora’s box and going back to being unaware is no longer an option for you. Because now they know, and the ball is now in your court. Now here’s something to ponder surely there is some modest change you can make or at the very least and I do mean the very least and turn off all the devices in the house put the children to bed and maybe for the first time in your partnership focus one hundred percent on what they are saying to you and don’t interrupt or offer up a thought until they are completely done talking and wait till your invited to speak.

Always Focus on Them When Your Communicating With Each Other

Also while they are talking do not look away from them. Nothing in the world is more irritating then a person that doesn’t seem to be paying attention to what you’re saying. Now you may blink, cough or drink something. But don’t’ lose the focus you have on them. Now don’t act stupid like you don’t know what you can do, because more then likely you do and there are always options for consideration. Options are almost always the solution to a problem that exists between two people. Most of the time it doesn’t matter what you do, what matters is you listen and that in itself, goes along way in solving the problem. Now heed my advice, because on this I’m one hundred percent on point. I used to manage high-rise facility that was almost entirely occupied by women ranging in age from twenty to ninety five. I had an open door policy and I allowed everyone the courtesy to air their side of a story and then I filled out a work order or told them I was unable to help them. Either way they felt better, just by being given the opportunity to share their feelings. So listening improves the situation even though the subject matter hasn’t changed. So couples who listen are better off then those who don’t. That’s my feeling and I’m sticking to it.


Don L. Terrill
The Marriage Guru

photo by orangeacid