My Jealousy...na na na na

By State Library and Archives of Florida

Sometimes married couples or even single but monogamous couples surprise me at their issues with being jealous of celebrities. A few weeks ago, Billy Ray Cyrus and Tony Danza both announced plans to leave their wives. I announced to my family "this is fate, now I must make a choice" they laughed. I meant I have to make a choice between Tony Danza and Billy Ray.....HELLO, this means I would be leaving my family for one of these 2 men. And that's funny??? Well, of course it was meant to be funny.

Even if I chose Tony or Billy Ray......like they would choose me!

But I remember working with a gal when I was in my mid-twenties and she was about the same age, she was so jealous of Vanna White. She admitted she and her husband would have a fight if she found him watching "Wheel of Fortune". In retaliation he was jealous of Jon Bon Jovi. Seriously!!

I love my husband dearly and of course I don't want him to appear to want another woman more than me. I would be devastated. But if he likes to watch one of the cute anchor girls on MSNBC, am I mad? No! He still loves me and he will be on his side of the bed tonight. What else do I need? Forget the stupid rules and concentrate on what is real and really important. It isn't celebrities or news anchors, it's that sweetheart that sleeps in your bed each night. Kiss him for me, will ya???


Loss of Sexual Desire: Biological Challenges

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Loss of Sexual Desire: Biological Challenges
by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood (c), Part Four of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire

Aging -

A woman’s interest in sex, as I have had it reported to me, does tend to decline over time. But, there are some women for whom the change is slight. And, of course, it all depends on how much interest a woman had in sex to begin with! Some women are more hyper about sex, while others are more hypo. You could say the same about women and exercise, eating, working out of the home, spending money, or a whole host of issues. Women are not all the same. Startling news, isn’t it? Yet the biological fact remains: blood levels of androgens fall continuously in women as they age.

Low testosterone

Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically. Without testosterone, you have no sex drive. That is biology.

Although no hormone or drug has been approved by the FDA to treat sexual problems in women, many gynecologists recommend off-label uses of testosterone therapy for women with low sexual desire to restore testosterone to normal (pre-menopausal) levels. There are other articles in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of my website that provide current information about the new medications that are being developed for women’s sexual desire.

Medical problems

Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions, such as endometriosis, fibroids, and thyroid disorders, impact a woman's sexual drive both mentally and physically. Face the facts on this: You can’t have a flat tire without having it affect the way your car handles. And, if you are, for example, depressed, you don’t feel much like doing your partner.

Some medical problems do require surgery, but know that any surgery performed anywhere around a woman’s plumbing can adversely affect sexual desire. As I have done my research, this has been one of the amazing discoveries. When surgery is done, nerves and muscles are severed, blood arteries and vessels can be damaged, and all of that can eventually result in a lack of sexual desire. Surgical help may not be sex help.

Medications -

Antihistamines can lower one’s sex drive. Yes, those very common over the counter medications. Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs such as Prozac, and all its siblings and cousins), blood pressure lowering drugs, and oral contraceptives can lower sexual desire. You absolutely must, MUST, go online and check the side effects of the medications you are taking. A lack of sexual desire due to depression can be enormously complicated by the antidepressants you take. You want help for your sex life when you are on antidepressants? Oh, boy. There is a problem. Check the side effects!

Medications can be changed. There are non-medication remedies for a lot of ordinary illnesses and if you are willing to take the time to do some research, you might well find yourself to be among the fortunate. For example, I know a number of women who have used progesterone cream to manage menopause, and not estrogen replacement therapy. The cream can be purchased at a health food store.

Research has indicated that hope, or the placebo effect, accounts for a significant amount of change when it comes to medications. What you expect, is what you get. In psychotherapy, hope accounts for about 15% of the progress that is made. Medications have to be tested against a plain old sugar pill to see how much actual impact the medications have.

It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. “Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect.” That’s the kind of dumb comment you can get from a medical doctor, implying that if you get positive results from the placebo effect there is something wrong.

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Dont's If You Want Another Chance

Photo By: James Zou

Dont's If You Want Another Chance
By Mark Webb (c)

As a therapist, I regularly counsel men and women who are suffering from a broken heart. They tearfully plead their sincerity. Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or right combination to get their partners to take them back again. They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing. Be mature. Be consistent. Follow this advice.

Don't Rally the Troops. This means don't go around and talk with all of your partner's friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader. Men are especially prone to do this. It’s a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.

Don't Fish For Reassurance. This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words like "I love you too." Don't bait your partner with the proclamation "I love you." This forces them to respond with "I love you too" which they don't want to say. Or they may not give any response, which really hurts.

Don't Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You. Each time you ask, you are usually setting your chances back another week.

Don't Call. And also don't drive by their house or show up at their work. Exercise a lot of restraint. This is very hard, but it is crucial.

Don't Try To Figure This Out By Yourself. Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach. Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.

Don't Try To Be A Detective. Snooping around is a violation of their personal space. Don't go through their dressers, their email, or their car. Just because they aren't feeling close to you doesn't mean that there is someone else.

Don't Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador. This approach works better than you going to do the detective work, but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.

Don't Try To Make Them Jealous. If you do this, you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear or respect the needs of your partner. You're also playing with other people's emotions.

Don't Talk Bad About Your Partner. Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner's faults or private matters is unforgivable. Using your intimate knowledge of your partner as ammunition is a low blow.

Don't Display Temper Tantrums. A lot of people use aggression to get their way; but this reinforces your partner's notion of why they left in the first place.

Don't Use Children As Pawns. Children are effective tools to play with your partner's heart. However, this does damage to the children, and your partner will grow to hate you. Stop trying to get your way at all costs and begin doing the right thing.

Don't Be Inconsistent. As much as possible, say or do what you mean so you don’t say or do something different every time.

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Difference in Sexual Strategies

Photo By: One Show

Difference in Sexual Strategies

By Elena Solomon (c)

Have you ever thought WHY men’s and women’s sexual strategies are so different?

- Why men want sex and women want love?
- Why there are NO books teaching women how to get one-night stands?
- Why women complain about men not loving them enough - but refusing to make love?

If you’ve ever been frustrated with the opposite gender, I feel for you. I’ve been there, too. In fact, for nearly two decades of my life I was completely clueless on what was going on between men and women - with disastrous results.

Then I decided I’d had enough and I wanted to learn what the other gender was REALLY looking for and HOW one could master that. In short, I wanted to know what makes men and women tick.

This is what I learned and what every man and woman must know.

Our sexual strategies are deeply imprinted in our SUBCONSCIOUS.
We cannot CHANGE what is there.
We cannot CHOOSE whom we feel attracted to.
We just FEEL it.


Because, from Mother Nature’s point of view, the purpose of life is LIFE itself. It’s procreation. In other words, to keep the human race thriving, men and women should have sex and have children.

To make men and women have sex Mother Nature created a mechanism, which drives males and females towards one another. This mechanism is what we routinely call LOVE, or attraction.

Attraction is actually a cocktail of certain hormones generated in our bodies in the presence of someone who appears to be good genes - in other words, a person of the opposite gender who seems to have the capacity of producing a healthy offspring that will survive.

Those hormones make us feel euphoric and excited, and we feel an enormous urge to get in close contact with the person we are attracted to.

This is really what love is all about.
It’s just the means of making us have sex with each other and make babies.

All those poems about the wonders of love are written about the condition of a human being under the influence of a powerful mix of natural drugs.

And yes, it hits high!
Anyone who’s been in love can confirm that.

The thing you must understand is that this process is COMPLETELY UNCONTROLLABLE.

We cannot CHOOSE who we fall in love with.

This is because the purpose of procreation is so important that Mother Nature cannot rely on our recently developed intellectual capacities to make the right choice. Instead, it uses the wisdom of generations BEFORE us to make the choice FOR us. The mechanism of sexual attraction is firmly imprinted in our GENETIC MEMORY.

We are attracted to certain patterns of behavior and physical characteristics. When we come across those patterns in real life, we feel attraction to this person - and we cannot help it.

With all advances in modern science and birth control, we still have the same biological hardware as our pre-historical ancestors. Scientists say that we have the same bodies as our forebears some 50,000 years ago.

It means that when you fall in love (or lust), you do it the same way as cavemen and cavewomen did. You simply FEEL it. You cannot CONVINCE yourself to fall in love – you either feel it, or not.

So, why men and women use such different sexual strategies?
Why men want sex and women want love?
Because men and women ARE different.

Not better or worse, but different.

A man can produce a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only produce a child only every second year or so.

So for a man, there are no adverse consequences for having sex with as many women as he wants - the more children he produces, the higher his chance to procreate.

For a woman, it’s different. She needs to be selective to secure the best genes for her child. If she makes a wrong choice and falls pregnant from a man with bad genes, her offspring may not survive into adulthood. And she can only produce about 10 children during her lifetime.

This is why men’s and women’s sexual strategies are so different.

Men seek quantity; women seek quality.
Men seek abundance of sex, women - abundance of admirers.

This is absolutely NATURAL.

This is the reason why you are here today and alive – because your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their natural aspirations. Millions of dead ends of your species vanished into oblivion – and every single one of YOUR ancestors managed to find a sexual partner and produce an offspring that survived into adulthood.

- If your female ancestors weren’t picky, you wouldn’t be here today.
- If your male ancestors weren’t trying to get laid at every opportunity, you might as well never be born.

STOP wining about the tricks of the opposite gender.

The battle of the sexes is the battle for the survival of HUMANITY.

We are made this way.
Accept it.

And learn to use it to your advantage!

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Dealing with Difficult In-Laws and Making them Listen

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Dealing with Difficult In-Laws and Making them Listen
By Cucan Pemo (c)

I've known one friend whom I feel is one of the lucky ones – her in-laws have been great. Her mother-in-law has been a wonderful new friend in her life, but she has admitted to me that it wasn't always easy the first time this way.

In the beginning of her relationship with her boyfriend, she wasn't sure if she could marry him. His parents and herself just didn't get along. They were critical of her job, her life choices, and nearly everything else that she talked about when they were together.

And while her boyfriend tried to help her get along with the parents, it just wasn't working. So, she decided that she needed to be the one to get things started. Here's what she did to make sure she could marry her boyfriend – and his family.

1.) Recognize the Problems

The first thing she had to do was to sort out what the problems were, so she started keeping a journal of the disagreements that they had and tried to see if there were any patterns in the problems.

Then she found out that her job and her ability to support herself was a big problem for them. They didn't want their son to be the one who was supporting the both of them – so she needed to do her fair share too, in their opinion.

I shared with her some strategies that I would use, and she began to write out the ways that she did contribute to the relationship, down to the last penny.

This helped her to see that they did have valid concerns, but when she talked to her future husband, he said that things felt fair to him, even if the numbers were not exactly split down the middle for bills.

2.) Talk It Out

With this knowledge in hand, my friend had to confront the in-laws the next time that they got into the argument – and, of course, they did. This time, however, my friend had facts to back herself up. She had did her "homework" in advance.

She showed them the finances as well as her own contributions, plus she pointed out that since she was still getting her degree, she had potential to make even more income in the future.

Realizing that she had taken the time and sincerity to point out the issue, her in-laws began to be a little more comfortable with her role in their son's life.

And her would-be husband also stuck up for her and told them that he felt things were fine the way they were. She also acknowledged her in-laws' concerns and admitted that she didn't pay exactly her share, which helped them feel validated in their concerns and they felt a lot less defensive and more receptive to her feelings.

3.) Stay True to Yourself

As you can see, my friend also had to find out what made her happy in this discussion. She could have admitted that she was wrong and then taken on another job to start making up the different in the financial contributions, but then during that period she was in school for an advanced degree and her schoolwork would have suffered.

If you are in similar circumstance, I suggest you stay true to yourself and to your personal goals because just giving in could have started a chain reaction of demands from your in-laws. It's a matter of boundaries. You need to realize just how far you're willing to go, but then you can't go an inch further than that.

4.) Be an Active Part of the Family

Realize also that you need to stop avoiding the family and start learning more about them. By attending the family functions as your schedule allowed, you would begin to feel more like a part of the family, rather than the perpetual outsider.

This allowed you to continue the conversations you had with your in-laws and you would begin to realize where they were coming from as well. You might even find that as you get to know each other – you would even begin to like each other.

5.) Making Them Listen to You

By being honest and being open about what your relationship means to you and to your partner, you will begin to command the respect of your in-laws.

You need to stay firm on things that you won't do. For example, if your in-laws keep asking about children and you don't want any, be firm and clear about the fact that you're not planning on having children. And then hold your ground.

Once they realize that your words are firm and your intentions set, they will begin to recognize this about the rest of your ideas and actions too. Once you waver or you give in to their demands - that's when you're going to find that they have even more 'ideas' for you.

Truthfully, some in-laws are never going to be helpful or friendly, but by following this advice, at least everyone will know the parameters of the relationship.

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